I Hope You Stay

Intro

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:-)

I thought the cover of this book was dumb and cheesy. An otter in space chasing space starfish? Ok, well, let me just avoid making the mistake that the old adage of judging books by their cover guards against. I opened it up and read a few pages while at the store and one of the “excerpts” the author wrote was worth it. I took the chance and purchased it with the intent of finishing my first ever full poem book. I wanted to see what else this author would write that I would relate to.

High Level Comments

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The Book’s Table of Contents

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The book is organized into 4 parts, which I appreciated, but after taking a look at it I probably would have re-ordered to how I view the healing process.

1. You will ache.
2. You will heal.
3. You will dream.
4. You will rise.
5. You will love.

Who cares? No one. I assume the author had something driving the original order.

This is the original order.

1. You will ache.
2. You will dream.
3. You will love.
4. You will heal.
5. You will rise.

Poetical Fluffnuttery

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In reading this book I was conflicted by the structure of some of the poetry because it was laid out like free verse poetry that resembled a thought the writer couldn’t quite finish or develop into something more. The following is an example that I made up to not directly copy from the book, but the author might have written something like this:

One day I will eat a graham cracker without thinking of our adventures skiing. Then I’ll go for a walk in the snow, and have a hot chocolate when I come back, to warm me, because you will no longer be there to provide that warmth.

An ENTIRE page would be dedicated to this…rêverie/daydream. Besides the waste of paper, it just seemed like artistic laziness to some extent. It could have at least been laid out differently like so:

One day
I will eat a graham cracker without
Thinking of our adventures skiing

Then
I’ll go for a walk in the snow,
and have a hot chocolate when I come back,
to warm me,
because you will no longer be there to provide that
Warmth.

I assume though, that since this is poetry, that the author played a key role in choosing each word and the structure of each page; it was meant to be this way. Structuring it the way I did above probably would have come off as a sort of poetical piousness, or “poetical fluffnuttery” as I would call it in this moment.

Regardless of the structure, it is nice to have reveries like this shared and published if only to show others that our minds are filled with unstructured non-sense just like everyone else’s.

Favorites and Hateorades

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Note: Yes, “hateorades” is a made up word that I heard somewhere on YouTube but you get the meaning from context. It’s the opposite of a favorite thing or an accolade. It’s pronounced as you might guess: hay-duhr-ade.

Additionally, there are more favorites and hateorades from the book that I didn’t want to include here. Primarily because because I want to promote the book and actually buying it.

Many of my hateorades revolve around blind self acceptance. If I have baggage and do nothing about it and just accept myself as I am and love yourself, no one else is just going to accept my baggage. I should do myself AND others a favor and at least try to eject some of my baggage as best as possible and then be aware enough to not hold others responsible for my own traumas.

Many of my favorites revolve around random beliefs that can help or have helped me through darkness. They don’t necessarily help me OUT of the darkness, just help stumble along through it.

I also like the ones that shed a light on my own darknesses.

Ache

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Even if you think the song is ruined because you shared it with them, it’s still just a song.
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I agree and I don’t. I agree because, yes, if I decide the song has no meaning and that the meaning I attached to it can be removed, then yes, it can go back to being just a song. I assign meanings to songs and share the song to share that meaning. The song had personal meaning before I shared it, otherwise there is little point for me in sharing meaningless things. What I end up having to do is alter the meaning to something else; the old meaning is what gets ruined; I make up a new story to replace it.

Heal

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It may not always be clear, but the universe does want
good things for you.
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Hateorade — No it doesn’t. The universe, even if it could care, wouldn’t choose to care about you or me. This might be a good belief for those that need something to hold onto. I know I’ve latched onto things like this in difficult times as we’re all wont to do; that’s why religion exists and many turn to it. If you haven’t held onto some sort of belief like this, or made up your own, you probably don’t have ways of walking through the dark without going mad. Even bad beliefs like this one will help you at that point.

Life isn’t fair. You have to be on your own side and work with yourself, not against yourself, and take action in the world in accordance with who you are and who you want to be.

I used to have a bad habit which was arriving late to events. I decided against doing that as often, even though I still do it from time to time. I met a friend, he always arrived late to events and sometimes didn’t even show up. A few times he messaged me or the group to cancel even after the event was already underway. He did this once knowing full well that we were depending on him for food for that very event. I’m glad I didn’t become him. It could have gone either way. He doesn’t get invited to any events anymore and even if he does we assume he won’t show. He probably doesn’t care, but I don’t care either.

The opportunities you get in life are directly proportionate to the kind of person you are and your ability to perceive those opportunities. The universe has nothing to do with it.

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She will move on, tired of your mistakes and false promises.
…

I hope that I don’t ever become that person making false promises and constantly making mistakes. But you know what, I know I’ve been this person and I just don’t want to admit it. I have been the promise shatterer and mistake weaver.

I try to keep my promises more now, if I make them at all. Promises are a special kind of magic that should be reserved for things that are worth it. I try to correct my mistakes right away now. Sooner rather than later.

Shattered promises can fracture a person.
Woven mistakes are hard to unknot.

Dream

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Don’t use someone else to forget
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Don’t shut every door to keep from feeling
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I tried forgetting once. Things just ended up worse overall. It was a waste of time. Now things are different. Now I try to feel beyond the point that I think is reasonable to feel. I try to cry enough to water the plants in my apartment. After that’s done things end up much better.

Love

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It won’t matter how much you want a person,
if their heart is somewhere else, lost, miles away, it
won’t work.
…

A favorite of mine just because it echoes true. The perfect person could be in front of you and if you don’t notice them or vice verse it’s of little use. We can’t perceive the things that we are not ready to perceive.

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Some people need to lose someone before they
understand that person’s value.
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If I lose someone it means they lose me too. sigh The world is not fair. It’s a shame that we have to learn lessons at the expense of others. It’s a shame that others are sometimes the cocoon I have to rip apart and leave behind.

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You can say anything you want
But showing is different
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Hateorade and favorite at the same time.

I hate this one for its truthiness. I believe it and wish I could make others believe it. I wish I could believe people’s liar words but ultimately what they say they’ll do is not what they actually do, which is what matters the most. It’s not an excuse to say mean things, of course, but if they say pretty things and I believe them at face value I’ve let myself be drawn into the web.

Rise

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I want to overcome all doubt and be the kind of person I
would have looked up to when I was younger.
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Doubts are constant for me. Never am I sure of anything. I will never overcome them, only learn to live with them.

But this statement resembles one of my own, which is, I try not to do things today that I will look down on myself for tomorrow. I want to look back at my past self and know I did the best I could. I want to look back and look up to myself and how I acted.

I want to make my future self proud of present me.

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She knows what it is like to feel betrayed,
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but it’s because of this loss,
she feels the undeniable pull to always be
honest, fearless, and bold.

I know what it is like to feel being the betrayer and the betrayed. Neither’s story is one I want to live again.

Final Thoughts

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I highly recommend this book to anyone going through tribulations of love or loneliness. It’s a way to reflect on yourself and what you’ve gone through; I know that’s what it was for me. Despite the hateorades I mentioned, and the others I have left unmentioned, there is value in being “gentle with yourself” and “forgiving yourself” for your past if what you want is to make your future different. If you don’t actually want a better future, “self acceptance” is just a sly way of saying “I want to do what I want and get away without any consequences for my mistakes”.